The Bastard Hills of North Bristol

As we all know, it is impossible to circumnavigate Bristol without encountering its formidable hills. They say that like Rome, Bristol was built on seven of them. And so it was that on a bright and crisp Sunday morning, my bicycle and I set out to eat many of them for breakfast.

My route was ready-made and aptly named: The Bastard Hills of North Bristol, put together by the Bristol by Bicycle blog and the Bristol Cycling Campaign. The official ride was postponed last month due to the snow and ice, and I have been itching to ride it since then. As its name suggests, it encompasses some of north Bristol’s most severe inclines, winding its way through Montpelier, Kingsdown, Cotham, cutting briefly through the centre before up Park Street, skirting Brandon Hill, then on to Clifton and Clifton Wood.

The names of the hills along the route bring a shudder to many who have ever had to ride, walk or run up them: Constitution Hill, St Michael’s Hill, Bridge Valley Road. These are among the more well-known ones on the route (in map form here), but they are by no means the steepest or hardest. Once I had traversed the true bastard that is Marlborough Hill (right) and sped down Horfield Road, climbing up St Michael’s Hill didn’t seem half the challenge that it normally is.

The very first hill of the route actually proved one of the hardest, Brook Hill in Montpelier, up to York Road, a little blighter that I had not encountered before, which forced me out of my saddle and to re-evaluate just how sensible this Sunday morning jolly was going to be.

Fortunately, during the 80-minute ride (much of that spent consulting the route that I had scribbled down on four bits of paper from a notebook), I had the incentive of a Sunday lunch to look forward to at my friends Tom and Jo’s flat on Royal York Cresent.

It was near their humble abode that some of the most interesting riding took place, criss-crossing Clifton and Clifton Wood, stumbling upon the Lion pub on Church Lane that I had no clue existed, and winding up a hairpin bend on Clifton Wood Road (left) that could have easily been a climb on the Tour de France rather than part of a route put together by a Bristol cycling enthusiast on his laptop.

The last descent was down Granby Hill, ending on Hotwell Road. After seriously testing my brakes, I screeched to a halt by the footbridge over the busy road, running over it with my bike, bumping down the steps on the other side and then remounting for the short, fast and – for once – flat few hundred metres along the Portway, under the Suspension Bridge and then up Bridge Valley Road, putting every last ounce of effort into continuing up the left turn at the top onto Ladies Mile and pumping a high gear to the finish by the Downs Tea Room.

My legs were almost completely spent, I was drenched in sweat, but I had conquered the Bastard Hills of North Bristol. I can’t wait to be among the pelaton when the ride proper takes place.

***Update*** The ride proper took place on Sunday, May 23 2010. Read about it here.